My good news for today is that my sore throat is much better.  The only weird thing going on now is that the muscles in my throat want to tighten up when I eat or drink!  Very strange.  But I find that if I eat slowly and make sure it is something that goes down easy, that I can manage it.

I am so glad that I was feeling well enough to go to church yesterday.  Ken has an assignment to help in a young single adult ward and I attend with him.  Since there are no little children around, there is less of a chance of being exposed to sickness!  The talks were inspiring and the support I feel there is so uplifting.

In the afternoon, Shalane and her girls came over and I wanted to get a picture with our beautiful mums that are in bloom right now.  We had a little talk about how the next time they see me, I probably won't have any hair because the medicine that is helping me get better makes it fall out. And I showed them some of the hats and scarves I have ready to wear.

There is a hymn we sing that I love.  This is just a part of what it says and I wanted to share it.
"Silently we pray for courage to accept thy will, to listen and obey.  We love thee, Lord; our hearts are full.  We'll walk thy chosen way."

Gratitude for the day:
-Sitting outside on our deck watching the sunshine break through the clouds.
-Texts from family just checking up on me.
-Ken giving me back rubs.

New Reality

The last couple of days have been good days.  I think it is an effect of the prednisone I have to take.  I have been able to exercise and get things done and hadn't felt any sickness.  Until today.  I woke up with a sore throat that made it hard to swallow and eat.  There is a list of side effects that the doctor wants to you call the office about, no matter what time it is.  And a sore throat is one of those things.  So as a result of that call, Ken took me to the Instacare clinic.  There is no messing around with anything that might be an infection!  The doctor did a strep test, which was negative.  So I probably have a slight cold virus.  It actually feels somewhat better than it did this morning.  I guess it is my new reality that I can't ignore something that I would not have worried about before.

Here are some things I am grateful for the last few days:
-Friends who have visited and been so thoughtful.
-Smoothies that are easy to swallow.
-The frozen packages of homemade soup that our son, Brian, made for me.  That came in really handy today and tasted so good.
-Not having any nausea.

Unexpectedly Good Day

I have always been that person who hated to take medicine unless absolutely necessary.  I take vitamins daily and when I get a headache, I take pain reliever.  But that's about it.  So today as I was taking an anti-nausea pill, a pill to help get rid of the dead cancer cells, pills to counteract the side effects of a shot I had to help build white blood cells, and the steroid prednisone, I was thinking "what the heck!!"  And I was expecting to feel drugged and sick.  Definately not the case.  I have had more energy today than I have had in weeks.  It has made me realize how long it has been since I have felt myself.  The nurse at my doctors office said it was the prednisone that is doing that.  I take that pill for 4 more days and then we'll see what happens.  In the meantime, I am grateful for feeling good and being able to get things done.

So here is my gratitude for today:
- Unexpected energy.
- Technology that makes it possible to keep in touch with family and friends easily.
- Beautiful music that soothes and uplifts.

First Treatment

What a great way to start the day of my first treatment!

This was on my front porch this morning.  The young single adults at church put this together last night.  Such kind words and scripture references for me to look up.  It made my day start with a big smile.

I admit that I was very nervous about this first treatment.  I felt as ready as I could be, but still nervous.  I had my chemo bag packed with everything I might want or need, thanks to my coach.  I ended up sitting next to a woman having her first treatment also.  She kept saying, "next time I need to bring this or that", and I felt so prepared because I had those things!

Yesterday I had a port inserted in my chest so that every time I need to have blood drawn or something infused into me, they don't have to start a new IV.  It's a little tender and I worried that it might hurt when I got hooked up, but it was no problem.  And it will be so nice not to have an IV done every time!

So the appointment went like this.  Arrive.  Get blood drawn.  Meet with the nurse practitioner (Dr. Wallentine was not in today).  Go into the treatment room and wait.  Go over the paperwork and get all your questions answered.  (And you better write down what they say because the amount of information can be overwhelming.)  And then start the drips.  See my snuggly blanket?

First, benedryl to combat any reactions.  Man, that stuff made me dizzy and tongue tied for a bit.  Then an anti-nausea med.  Next came this stuff known affectionately as the Red Devil.

Next came two more cancer killing drugs and last was the Rituxan, which binds to and kills the large B cells associated with this non-Hodgkins.  That one I had a little allergic reaction to.  Not uncommon I am told.  I got some hives on my neck and face and my throat started constricting.  So we took a break from that for awhile.  When they started it again, I had no reaction.  After being in the office for about 5 hours, I get unhooked and go home.  It's so good to have Ken as my support and as my second set of ears to hear the things I need to know and remember!

I came home to flowers on my porch from my sweet neighbor, Diane.  Thanks Diane!

So far I am doing okay.  We'll see how the next couple of days go.

Things I am thankful for:
- Drugs.
- A case nurse that is so kind and helpful.
- A bishop who is a cancer doctor that understands what I am going through and suggests ways to cope.
- Cards, note, emails and texts.  They mean so much to me.  Even if I don't answer, know that I read and appreciate your words.
- Ken, always and forever.
- This scripture:  Joshua 1:9  "Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed; for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

Preparing

What an interesting range of emotions we have been through in the last 2 weeks.  The first Sunday of the month was fast Sunday and the family held a fast for me, with many friends joining in too.  I have never experienced people fasting for me before.  I now have a real testimony of the power of the fast joined with prayer.  That day I felt the Lord calming me and comforting me like I had never felt it before.  There is strength and power in that act.  Ken had also given me a priesthood blessing.  How grateful I am for the power of the priesthood!

The time in Colorado with Ken and no interruptions was so good for us.  We talked, made lists, and did some research. We also hiked, took pictures and Ken fished as I sat by the river.  There were times as I read through the chemo protocol and side effects that I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry.  And then you just wipe the tears and say, "I can do this".

When we got home, it was time to start preparing.  We got our flu and pneumonia shots.  I started cooking some good healthy things to put in the freezer.  We visited with family in the area and had lots of phone calls and texts from people.   We went to the temple and had time to sit in the Celestial room and feel the peace that is there.  I also decided to chop off my hair.  I figured that the short hair would be enough of a shock, that when it falls out it won't be such a surprise.  And a lot less hair to worry about cleaning up.  So this is what it is for now (and it is super easy to take care of!)  Check again in about 3 weeks and you will see the new updated look.

I had a bone marrow biopsy on Tuesday the 16 and a PET/CT scan the next day.  Both of those tests were done to figure out the stage of the cancer and to see if it was anywhere else in the lymph system or bone marrow.  The results of the biopsy take awhile to get written up, but Dr. Wallentine talked to both of the places that did the tests and, based on what he heard, he is staging my cancer as Stage 1E.  That is wonderful news - Ken and I celebrated with happy tears and relieved laughter!  It means that the cancer is found only in 1 area of a single organ outside of the lymph system.  In other words, just the one tumor.

I have a friend that I am calling my "chemo coach".  She is a 2 time breast cancer survivor and a very determined lady.  She is my neighbor Jil and she has had 18 rounds of chemo in the same clinic that I am going to.  We have spent lots of time texting, talking, and hugging.  I have a page of notes with things she has told me.  She lent me all her scarves and hats, and to top all of that, she made me the coolest minky blanket ever!  Leopard print and bright orange.  She has given me lots of resources for chemo treatments and products.  I have the best coach ever!

As the time gets closer for the first treatment, the reality is setting in.  I was given another priesthood blessing by Ken and our neighbor, Andy Dabczynski.  What a comfort those blessings are.

I want to close my posts with things I am grateful for, that will keep me looking for the miracles and tender mercies that I receive.  So here goes:
- I am thankful that the doctors were able to find this cancer in the very early stages.
- I am thankful for modern medicine and all those who spend their lives trying to find the best way to treat cancer.
- I am thankful to be married to a worthy priesthood holder that can use that power to bless our lives.
- I am thankful for our kids and grandkids.  I have had some of the nicest texts and phone calls from them.
 - I am thankful for all my friends who have sent messages of encouragement and support, along with flowers, lotion, socks and books!

Thank you all.

Diagnosis

As I begin this crazy journey called cancer, I thought it would be a good idea to keep a journal of what is happening to me and of my thoughts.  I know there will be days that I will not want to talk to anyone and other days when I will need the support that comes with conversation.  So if I don't answer my phone or texts, you are welcome to come here and read what is going on with me.

This all started on Tuesday when I felt that I had better go to the ER.  I was having a very uncomfortable tightness in my chest.  Because of some heart issues in my family, I really thought I might be having a heart attack.  So at 5 am Ken took me to the ER.  They did an EKG right away to check my heart, but that didn't show anything.  So the next step was to give me baby aspirin, get an IV inserted, draw blood and start testing for different things such as a pulmonary embolism or gall bladder problems.  I got a CT scan - nothing.  Then an ultrasound which showed some suspicious spots on my liver.  Then an MRI.  Well, that really got their attention.  There was a big mass on my liver.  The doctor came in to show us the MRI pictures and talk about what it could be.  It was a tumor, but not sure if it was benign or cancerous.  The next step was a liver biopsy to get samples to analyze.  The results would be back in a couple of days.  The doctor set up an appointment for me on Friday to meet with an oncologist.  I guess that should have been a clue that he thought it was cancerous! During the day, the pain had subsided and after almost 12 hours we were able to leave and go home.

I was not really worried and was hoping for the best when I got a call from the radiologist on Thursday to tell me that the tumor was cancerous.  Some might think that getting that news by phone was not the best way to hear about it, but I was very grateful to know before I went to see the oncologist.  It gave Ken and I time to digest the news and think of all the questions we wanted to ask.

We met with Dr. Wallentine on Friday and received an official diagnosis.  Large B-cell Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.  There is so much for us to learn about all of this, but the thing we walked away with is that this aggressive cancer is very common, very treatable and in most cases curable.  That is the good news.  The bad news, of course, is that I will have to receive chemotherapy treatments.  I need to have a couple more tests done before they can determine the stage the cancer is in. But that will not change the treatment, it will only determine how many rounds of chemo I will need.  It will either be 4 or 6 rounds with treatment every 21 days.

It all seems so surreal.  I can't think of any symptoms other than being more tired than usual lately. Even the blood tests didn't indicate a problem.  They called this an unusual situation.

I have had such a range of emotions the last few days.  But mostly I am feeling gratitude.  Gratitude that I went to the ER so that this could be found.  So grateful for Ken and his love.  I know that he will be such a strength to me.  Grateful for my family, extended family and friends who have expressed so much love and concern.  Grateful for the doctors and their knowledge of this disease and what needs to be done to fight it.  And grateful to my Savior because I know he can, and will, comfort and strengthen me.

This scripture means a lot to me right now.
"And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities." Alma 7:12

The tests that I need couldn't be scheduled right away, so Ken and I decided to go ahead with our plans to spend the week in Colorado.  I am so glad we did.  This time together with no interruptions has been wonderful.  We are able to share our concerns and feelings.  He is wonderful - but I already knew that!